how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
