just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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