i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
