i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
