saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
