Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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