I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
