I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
