guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
