from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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