Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
