I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
