my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
