So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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