if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
