Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
