I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
