So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
