then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
God I need to hump something, right now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
