pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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