remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
