upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
