Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
