If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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