we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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