i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
