In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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