Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
