The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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