So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
