I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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