i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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