I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
