I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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