My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
