did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
