you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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