I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
