just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
