I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
