Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
