Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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