Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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