whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
