I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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