I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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