If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
