Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
