U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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