there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
