He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
