I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
