Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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