You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
