Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
