i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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