Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
