i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
